February 10, 2012

Abandoned children, what happens?

I've been thinking a lot lately about father relationships.  My father and I don't have the best relationship.  Actually, as it stands, I don't really think we even have a relationship.  He and my mother divorced before I was 2, and he paid his child support, but thats it.  Sure, my brother and I went to his house every other weekend, up until we decided we didn't want to anymore.  I was 8 and my brother was 13.  He lived in the same town I did until I was 12.  Even when he lived in the same town we did, he was never interested in me.  My brother was the first born son, and ended up being the only boy, so he mattered. Kindof.  In the end, he ended up hating dad much more than I did.  I remember when dad lived here, brother had his room tiled because he had allergies.  I tested with higher allergies, but oh well.  Brother had a tv in his room, and I had... oh wait.  I had books I brought from my mom's house.  After dear old daddy-o got remarried to the evil bitch of the west tho, I started having to hide them.  Step-bitch would take any book from me she deemed inappropriate.  Good-bye Steven King, hello staring at the wall. Goddess knows we weren't allowed to just hang out in the living room, because, well, I don't understand that either.  We were probably too loud for my dad's football game.  You may have noticed I don't capitalize the word "dad".  I have no connection to the word, and am merely using it in place of his name, which I won't even put the effort into changing or letting people know who he is.  He knows who he is.  I started therapy and counciling early because of him.  I learned to be disconnected to the idea of a father figure, partially because of him, and the rest because of my mother's second husband.  Thanks to counciling and therapy I can say now I am not angry, I do not hate them.  However, we had a boat rocking.

I didn't realize this until I had already accepted it, but my dad added me on a major social network.  I realized he was there, and questioned him. Why?  You've never cared about me, why?  He said basically, I have always loved you.  I always have wanted to be in your life.  I answered with this.
"Its not that i dont want you in my life, ive waited for years, literally all of my life for you to be involved/care. I'm 27 now, and have a five year old, your only grandson and first grandchild, whom you have never met. Its honestly a bit strange to think of you as a real person sometimes, you seem like a character in a fairy story Ive only heard about. You removed yourself from my life a long time ago, and through years of therapy i learned to not hate you for it. I just dont understand the sudden interest in me or my life. Hell the only reason you knew when my birthday is is because facebook told you. You have never called me on my birthday on purpose. Do you even know that Christopher moved to nebraska? Or that I'm engaged? Christopher got married twice and you didnt show up for either of his weddings. I guess what im trying to say is I don't know why you seem to have woken up one day and remembered that you had 4 kids instead of 2. I don't know what you want out of this, but if its to be a parent and a father youre fucking late. REALLY FUCKING LATE. I grew up without a dad because you decided for whatever reason to not be there. Don't mistake what im saying, I could give a shit less what your reasons were. I used to try and comfort myself with the thought there was some magical reason that would force a man to leave his baby girl, but as the years went by that i just must have never mattered to you. YOU ABANDONED YOUR CHILDREN FOR A NEW LIFE. Youve lived that life, and now you look back with regrets? Me too. I regret I never had a father to talk to, to protect me, to love me. Youve shown me how hard it is for a child to be left behind like an old pair of shoes in a closet forgotten in a move. Filed away to never be thought of again. I appriciate the fact you paid your child support, but that was all youve done for me, other than making sure i would never do the same to my own child. My therapist says thats why I was involved with Tristyns dad, who beat and abused me and then left me with his child never to be heard from again. Coming back around, what do you want out of this? To be involved again? To be in my life? You have a couple of choices here, but if you want to be in my life, its going to be hard. Its too hard for me to have you just be a voice on the phone once or twice a year. It feels like youre doing the bare minimum for reasons unknown. It feels forced. Get back to me on this, or if you decide its not worth it/too hard, just unfriend me and we'll go back to where we were."

Granted, this may have been a bit dramatic.  I wanted to make sure I got everything off my chest that I always wanted to say to him.  For the record, he did write me back a couple of times, but it ended up being... nothing.  No I want to see you, just a "can't we look at the future instead of the past?".  Yeah, right.  The last man to say that to me ended up cheating on me with 4 people I knew about.  So I think I'm going to live and learn on this one. 

This is coming to the surface for me on a couple of fronts, the one I just described, and the one with boyfriend.  James is awesome and I love him dearly, but he never sees his kids.  He pays his child support to the point it breaks him, he pays more than he keeps by far, but he never sees his girls.  They are his children, and it is his relationship, but I don't want them to hate him.  There is a very good chance they will. 

To put the icing on the cake, my renewal date for my restraining order against Louis' dad.  He beat me in front of my mother's house last year.  The lovely police in my town decided to barely prosecute, so my violent felon ex got unsupervised probation for trying to kill me and pushing me out of a moving car.  Nice, right?  I'm contemplating whether I should just let it lapse, since I already have a No Contact order that lasts until September.  I've moved 3 times since he knew where I lived, and I'm not worried about him finding me.  Even if he did, I'm not sure he would do anything.  When James and I first got together, I was a bit worried about DouchieCock seeing us together and beating James.  Now I'm wondering if he's even still alive.  Maybe he's gone away and I'll never see him again, but I doubt I'm that lucky.  Meth does ugly things to a person.

Men.  Ugh.  Where is my private island that has no problems and a daiquiri fountain?