April 19, 2015


Fun, I'm working on my ability to have fun.  What to do for fun?  Endless hours of playing Neopets?  I do sometimes, I love it.

Those are two of my pets!  It's fun, wonderful, interesting and family/work friendly.  But what else is a girl to do for fun?  I like DragonFable too, it's a dungeon crawler but very fun.  Also hilarious.  I visit friends and we cackle, and I enjoy my garden too.  But what can I do with other humans?  My son finally talked me into playing video games with him, and I should have connected with him like this long before now.  Worms is awesome.  Tristyn's Grandma Medussa found the coolest checkers game ever!

If your little person is a dino fan, I highly recommend this set.  Super fun!  I am not good at strategy games but Tristyn doesn't pick on me too much.  He's a good kid.  He does get a tad upset when someone else wins, but we are working on being happy for our friend when they beat us and sharing in their accomplishment, rather than thinking we are a loser and getting mad.  I have trouble with it sometimes so I get his issue, and his anger.  Sharing in good times is much more fun than being mad.  We both need a good dose of that. 

Just Keep Swimming

I have to go through a life change.  Right.  Now.  I came to a moment in my life where I made bad choices, became introverted, pushed the only man I've ever truly loved away and destroyed my health and life.  I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself.  I tried to take a selfie and I forgot how to smile.  I'm not fun.  I used to be though.  What happened to me?  I think between the disease in my belly and the one already in my mind the lambs kept screaming.  The voices that I've heard for so long got louder and louder, to the point I couldn't even hear my own voice unless I was screaming. Voices saying, "You're worthless.  Impossible to love.  Lazy.  You don't do anything worthwhile.  No one will ever love you forever, you just drive everyone away.  You're mean.  Hateful.  Miserable.  Not good enough, as if you ever try.  You're just a horrible human being, no wonder no one likes you."  And of course, many others.
I don't love myself.  I think I forgot how to.  I have a sty in my eye.  i was looking in the mirror at it, drew back, and scared myself.  Who is that miserable, tired person in my bathroom?  Who is she, and what in the hell happened to her?  Oh lordhamercy.  That is me.  Me?  ME?!?  What in the holy name of Hades happened to me!?!?  I was this bubbly, effervescent charmer.  I was fun, and now I don't recognize myself.   I'm totally miserable, and lost in my own head.  I've been zombiefied for months.  Years?  Maybe.  I've gotten slowly worse over the years, and I think that my diagnosis of Gastroparesis tripped me into a hole.  I got a hard look at my life, and my universe broke.  The earth shifted, and I remember I am a survivor.  Here's a helpful life tip, don't accuse any woman of being a crazy bitch, especially if she isn't breaking your stuff.  Because she will say, "Do you want to see a crazy bitch?  I'LL SHOW YOU ONE!"  Then there's broken glass everywhere.  Aaaannnnyyyyyway, I have to save myself.  I hope what is left of my relationship will survive.  I'm holding on to a bit of hope that things will work out between us, but between lies and heartbreak where is love?  Where is comfort on the cold, hard ocean rocks?  I feel the wind slapping my face, my cries lost in a tempest.  At this moment, I feel used.  Like his only use for me is when I have something he wants.  But if you're needy, who do you hit up but those you think will help or love you?  He denied me touch when I saw him.  I bleed for touch.  It connects me to humans.  I crave it the way a smoker will chop off your fingers for the nicotine under your nails.  Only when I truly care for someone I am cuddly.  I don't really like anyone else touching me.  One day at a time, I swear I will figure this all out one day at a time.

I love you!

April 18, 2015

Duck duck Squirrel

How fricken cute is that?  A duckie with a tiara! 

Aww a baby bun bun!

Rawr!  i is feeeerocious!

So now that we've got our smiles on, we should get to business.  It's spring!  In wyoming, that means when the freezing temps change randomly to 70+ degrees and random rains melt the snow.  And then it snows again.  I decided I was going to grow food this year.  Thanks to my mom and her lovely internet, I was able to take a couple of weeks to research, and I did it almost exactly wrong with good results.  I swear that is my calling card.  However, I have peas!  Lotsa peas!  17 pea plants at last count, which is way more than any one family needs.  well, perhaps it'll be just enough with grandparents, siblings and cousins.  Plus a wonderful landlord that is a health food nut.  Next I'm planting strawberries, and salad greens seed.  You know, if the rain ever lets up.  I did manage to throw out some wildflowers in the flower bed, transplant my rose and my indoor garlic that sprouted on my counter.  I am so excited!

empty for now, just insert hopes and dreams

I'm gonna be a real garden!

With snow.


baby peas


Garlic and roses

Tristyn and I made labels out of tiles with sharpie, but the sharpie washed off.  So next is nail polish.  Ha!  I read that garlic and roses make good bed buddies, so we will see how that works.  I'll be planting the strawberries with salad greens, and preparing my largest blank bed for tomatoes in a couple of months.  Cherry and regular!  I'm so excited!

What exciting spring thing are you up to?

April 3, 2015

Ted Saved My Life

I have a new obsession, TedTalks episodes.  I found one by Jane McGonigal talking about quality of life.  She mentioned in the talk her game called SuperBetter.  Its a game using real life things to live a longer better life, especially in the face of chronic pain and disease.
 Here's the video I watched.  Totally work appropriate!  Yay! 

10 years, huh?  So I have to check it out.  I signed up, picked out my secret identity and am raring to go.  So far its fun, we shall see!  I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

So I deactivated my Facebook.  I use it too much to connect with people, when I'm not actually connecting.  I feel like I'm talking and visiting people that I haven't actually seen in years, so I'm changing it up.  I'm forcing myself to go out and actually connect in real life with other humans.  Now all I have to do is actually do it.  Yay!