April 19, 2015

Just Keep Swimming

I have to go through a life change.  Right.  Now.  I came to a moment in my life where I made bad choices, became introverted, pushed the only man I've ever truly loved away and destroyed my health and life.  I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself.  I tried to take a selfie and I forgot how to smile.  I'm not fun.  I used to be though.  What happened to me?  I think between the disease in my belly and the one already in my mind the lambs kept screaming.  The voices that I've heard for so long got louder and louder, to the point I couldn't even hear my own voice unless I was screaming. Voices saying, "You're worthless.  Impossible to love.  Lazy.  You don't do anything worthwhile.  No one will ever love you forever, you just drive everyone away.  You're mean.  Hateful.  Miserable.  Not good enough, as if you ever try.  You're just a horrible human being, no wonder no one likes you."  And of course, many others.
I don't love myself.  I think I forgot how to.  I have a sty in my eye.  i was looking in the mirror at it, drew back, and scared myself.  Who is that miserable, tired person in my bathroom?  Who is she, and what in the hell happened to her?  Oh lordhamercy.  That is me.  Me?  ME?!?  What in the holy name of Hades happened to me!?!?  I was this bubbly, effervescent charmer.  I was fun, and now I don't recognize myself.   I'm totally miserable, and lost in my own head.  I've been zombiefied for months.  Years?  Maybe.  I've gotten slowly worse over the years, and I think that my diagnosis of Gastroparesis tripped me into a hole.  I got a hard look at my life, and my universe broke.  The earth shifted, and I remember I am a survivor.  Here's a helpful life tip, don't accuse any woman of being a crazy bitch, especially if she isn't breaking your stuff.  Because she will say, "Do you want to see a crazy bitch?  I'LL SHOW YOU ONE!"  Then there's broken glass everywhere.  Aaaannnnyyyyyway, I have to save myself.  I hope what is left of my relationship will survive.  I'm holding on to a bit of hope that things will work out between us, but between lies and heartbreak where is love?  Where is comfort on the cold, hard ocean rocks?  I feel the wind slapping my face, my cries lost in a tempest.  At this moment, I feel used.  Like his only use for me is when I have something he wants.  But if you're needy, who do you hit up but those you think will help or love you?  He denied me touch when I saw him.  I bleed for touch.  It connects me to humans.  I crave it the way a smoker will chop off your fingers for the nicotine under your nails.  Only when I truly care for someone I am cuddly.  I don't really like anyone else touching me.  One day at a time, I swear I will figure this all out one day at a time.

I love you!