April 19, 2015


Fun, I'm working on my ability to have fun.  What to do for fun?  Endless hours of playing Neopets?  I do sometimes, I love it.

Those are two of my pets!  It's fun, wonderful, interesting and family/work friendly.  But what else is a girl to do for fun?  I like DragonFable too, it's a dungeon crawler but very fun.  Also hilarious.  I visit friends and we cackle, and I enjoy my garden too.  But what can I do with other humans?  My son finally talked me into playing video games with him, and I should have connected with him like this long before now.  Worms is awesome.  Tristyn's Grandma Medussa found the coolest checkers game ever!

If your little person is a dino fan, I highly recommend this set.  Super fun!  I am not good at strategy games but Tristyn doesn't pick on me too much.  He's a good kid.  He does get a tad upset when someone else wins, but we are working on being happy for our friend when they beat us and sharing in their accomplishment, rather than thinking we are a loser and getting mad.  I have trouble with it sometimes so I get his issue, and his anger.  Sharing in good times is much more fun than being mad.  We both need a good dose of that. 

Just Keep Swimming

I have to go through a life change.  Right.  Now.  I came to a moment in my life where I made bad choices, became introverted, pushed the only man I've ever truly loved away and destroyed my health and life.  I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself.  I tried to take a selfie and I forgot how to smile.  I'm not fun.  I used to be though.  What happened to me?  I think between the disease in my belly and the one already in my mind the lambs kept screaming.  The voices that I've heard for so long got louder and louder, to the point I couldn't even hear my own voice unless I was screaming. Voices saying, "You're worthless.  Impossible to love.  Lazy.  You don't do anything worthwhile.  No one will ever love you forever, you just drive everyone away.  You're mean.  Hateful.  Miserable.  Not good enough, as if you ever try.  You're just a horrible human being, no wonder no one likes you."  And of course, many others.
I don't love myself.  I think I forgot how to.  I have a sty in my eye.  i was looking in the mirror at it, drew back, and scared myself.  Who is that miserable, tired person in my bathroom?  Who is she, and what in the hell happened to her?  Oh lordhamercy.  That is me.  Me?  ME?!?  What in the holy name of Hades happened to me!?!?  I was this bubbly, effervescent charmer.  I was fun, and now I don't recognize myself.   I'm totally miserable, and lost in my own head.  I've been zombiefied for months.  Years?  Maybe.  I've gotten slowly worse over the years, and I think that my diagnosis of Gastroparesis tripped me into a hole.  I got a hard look at my life, and my universe broke.  The earth shifted, and I remember I am a survivor.  Here's a helpful life tip, don't accuse any woman of being a crazy bitch, especially if she isn't breaking your stuff.  Because she will say, "Do you want to see a crazy bitch?  I'LL SHOW YOU ONE!"  Then there's broken glass everywhere.  Aaaannnnyyyyyway, I have to save myself.  I hope what is left of my relationship will survive.  I'm holding on to a bit of hope that things will work out between us, but between lies and heartbreak where is love?  Where is comfort on the cold, hard ocean rocks?  I feel the wind slapping my face, my cries lost in a tempest.  At this moment, I feel used.  Like his only use for me is when I have something he wants.  But if you're needy, who do you hit up but those you think will help or love you?  He denied me touch when I saw him.  I bleed for touch.  It connects me to humans.  I crave it the way a smoker will chop off your fingers for the nicotine under your nails.  Only when I truly care for someone I am cuddly.  I don't really like anyone else touching me.  One day at a time, I swear I will figure this all out one day at a time.

I love you!

April 18, 2015

Duck duck Squirrel

How fricken cute is that?  A duckie with a tiara! 

Aww a baby bun bun!

Rawr!  i is feeeerocious!

So now that we've got our smiles on, we should get to business.  It's spring!  In wyoming, that means when the freezing temps change randomly to 70+ degrees and random rains melt the snow.  And then it snows again.  I decided I was going to grow food this year.  Thanks to my mom and her lovely internet, I was able to take a couple of weeks to research, and I did it almost exactly wrong with good results.  I swear that is my calling card.  However, I have peas!  Lotsa peas!  17 pea plants at last count, which is way more than any one family needs.  well, perhaps it'll be just enough with grandparents, siblings and cousins.  Plus a wonderful landlord that is a health food nut.  Next I'm planting strawberries, and salad greens seed.  You know, if the rain ever lets up.  I did manage to throw out some wildflowers in the flower bed, transplant my rose and my indoor garlic that sprouted on my counter.  I am so excited!

empty for now, just insert hopes and dreams

I'm gonna be a real garden!

With snow.


baby peas


Garlic and roses

Tristyn and I made labels out of tiles with sharpie, but the sharpie washed off.  So next is nail polish.  Ha!  I read that garlic and roses make good bed buddies, so we will see how that works.  I'll be planting the strawberries with salad greens, and preparing my largest blank bed for tomatoes in a couple of months.  Cherry and regular!  I'm so excited!

What exciting spring thing are you up to?

April 3, 2015

Ted Saved My Life

I have a new obsession, TedTalks episodes.  I found one by Jane McGonigal talking about quality of life.  She mentioned in the talk her game called SuperBetter.  Its a game using real life things to live a longer better life, especially in the face of chronic pain and disease.
 Here's the video I watched.  Totally work appropriate!  Yay! 

10 years, huh?  So I have to check it out.  I signed up, picked out my secret identity and am raring to go.  So far its fun, we shall see!  I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

So I deactivated my Facebook.  I use it too much to connect with people, when I'm not actually connecting.  I feel like I'm talking and visiting people that I haven't actually seen in years, so I'm changing it up.  I'm forcing myself to go out and actually connect in real life with other humans.  Now all I have to do is actually do it.  Yay!


March 30, 2015


I have a cat, Jellybinx.

His bones fell out

my laundry helpers

Jellybinx will never learn to quit laying on the folded blankets.  I've done everything I can think of to get him to quit, from spray bottles to just moving him, and nothing deters him from his fave spot.  When I see him tucked into the fuzzy blankets, I can't help but feel a fierce joy when I remember the first time I saw him.  I went to my local animal shelter, Find yours here.  I wandered amongst the cages and kennels, just visiting as I do occasionally.  I had the fat old kitty Queen PuffyFluff, who spends her days sleeping in her food dish mostly.  I also had Moose, but he is my son's dog.  I love him, he's  my sweet booboo, but he's not my spirit animal.  So I went in search of an animal partner.  So I meandered, and saw many sad faces through the bars.  No one really stood out to me, so I wandered back to the front and asked who had been there the longest.  My local shelter is a city run kill shelter, so pretty much as they run out of room, they have to euthanize whichever animals have been there the longest.  I was directed to Jellybean.  The Nice Shelter Lady was very excited to have someone looking at him.  I used to think that black cats were less likely to be adopted, so that is what I was looking for.  I wanted to take someone home that just needed a chance.  The nice shelter lady got him out of his cage for me, he was asleep.  I got blinking, bleary yellow eyes, a big yawn, and an irritated look.  Wonderful, he wakes up like I do.  I held him in my arms, he was so small and soft.  At (they think) a year old, he was only 8 pounds.  He looked up at me, and I felt my heart melt.  Then he bit my ear.  Poor NSL, she did a sharp intake of breath and I saw it on her face, He's never going to get adopted now!  But I laughed and kept petting him.  He's been my cuddly jerk cat from that day, and I love him dearly.  Best Valentine's day gift to myself ever!  He is demanding, sweet, and knocks things on to the floor when he doesn't get what he wants.  He won't stay off my kitchen table, eats the dog's food, and makes constant messes.  Sweet kitty, what would I do without you?

Have you ever gotten a pet for yourself/your child/ren for a holiday?

March 29, 2015


Flare day!  Yay!  Yay because I can still feel pain which means I'm alive.  I can get out of bed today, even though I feel sick every time I stand up.  I am alive.  ALIIIIVE!  I have a neighbor that lost part of his foot last week due to not taking care of himself and his diabetes.  I look back on this last week, and all of the crying and praying to realize I am blessed and continue to be blessed.  I have a good life friends and neighbors.  I have an extensive family from the Hiskey, Wait, Ross, Bland, Allen, Pieroni, Hoffman, Barelle, Gonzalez, Gordon, Wright, Harmon, Sexton, Williams, Brodbeck, Bennett, Neubauer, Morris, Brown, and so many other last names.  This is just off the top of my head and in no way includes everyone.  How much time have I wasted feeling alone?  Wow, the list surprises me.  I am getting my house fixed up, I have a wonderful and hilarious kid, and the sweetest boyfriend that I only want to bury in an anthill some days.  Good times girl.  Now just to figure out my purpose in life...

Have you ever thought, I'm __ years old and I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING WITH MY LIFE!!!  Aughhhhh!!!

So 30 has been a bit weird for me.  I keep thinking I'm not in my 20s anymore, I have an 8 yr old that I have to teach to get along in the world and I still feel like a homeless artist with no paint.  BAh!  I have found some paint, in a way.  My yarn.  I made a shawl for my grandma Louise with different stitches in the brightest barbie pink I could find.  Grandma has Macular Degeneration and she can see bright colors.  I'm currently working on a rainbow blanket and it feels so good.  I've been researching fiber crafts and pioneer arts.  I find it fascinating when people can take pretty much nothing and make something wonderful from it.  I'm learning to do that with food too.  I was raised by a working mom, so we did a lot of microwave food.  Now i'm learning the joy of real flavors and food made of, well, food.  I'm thinking of documenting that journey here as well.

Blah spring break.  I'm going to bed.

March 17, 2015

Motivation! Whoo!

If you've ever been here before, there is something you may have noticed.  I am not a sunshine and rainbows type of person... most of the time.  I'm coming out of the closet.  The mental illness closet.  I've struggled for as long as I can remember with depression, anxiety, and melancholy.   I am continually reminded of how blessed I am, and how I am not alone.  Darling, you are not alone.  Yes, you.  The one reading this right now.  I know you're there, I see your pageviews and comments and see you.  You are never alone.  But not in a super creepy way.  Well, slightly creepy.  Even when you don't feel beautiful, you are.  I haven't really felt beautiful since I got really sick.  I touched on it a couple of times, but I didn't live it.  Now I remember myself, the self that is beautiful without makeup and feeling like crap.  Still beauty baby!

Yeah.  So anyway, you are still beautiful, even when you feel like this my love.  Smile!  I'm gathering what I'm calling brain glitter.  Glitter in, rainbows out.  Out of my head!  Get it?  I want to be more of the upbeat and happy person I know I can be.  So, lets do a top 5!

Top 5 Things That Make Me Happy Today:

1- This video always makes me giggle!

2- The bravery of this little girl, Jazz.  She's a spokesmodel now and I hope more people find out about her and her story.

3-  This video of my dog, Moose.

4- Jujubee is wonderful!  She is wicked sparkly, and always bubbly.

Love her!

5- Freerice.

Rice up against hunger

Freerice is a trivia game that donates rice to starving people!  Fun and awesome!  Subjects include different languages, art, quotes, and geography.  Feed the starving and make yourself smarter.  Bam!   Win-win baby!

So don't forget I love you, and I'll see you on the ice!