August 8, 2014

Fruitcakes

Jimmy Buffet was right, fruitcakes are everywhere, and where the fuck are THE JUINOR MINTS!?!  We need people that care.






My friend Rayne has a rainbow tail.  That's right, a fricken rainbow tail.  I want one!  Also, I really need a pair of those kitty ears that scan your brain and move.  With yer BRAIN WAVES.  Scifi fans get excited, we are one step closer to fully functioning cyborg costumes that you can run over all of those assholes that talked crap on Star Wars.  Ha ha bitches! 

On another note, there are some weird people out there.  Seriously weird people.  Not just your run of the mill, People of Walmart weird, there are some seriously deranged individuals out there.
From the Why-didn't-I-think-of-that insane:
Canary Suicides, the new dust collector
I've been waiting since 1985 for this shit!

To the what-the-hell-did-I-just-see:
Bacon is officially everywhere
I am the rainbow fox!

That's your moment of zen, people.










































Nervous Eater

My dog is an Airedale Terrorist I mean Terrier /Laborador Retriever. This means he absolutely has to be walked. Bare minimum for a well behaved Moose is an hour of walking once a day. Bare minimum for a Moose that doesn't eat loaves of bread and any food he can find on the counter is an hour of walkies once every 3 days. Beyond that he starts eating everything in the house including the child's toys. He can dump a trash can and strew everything in it from hell to breakfast in the time it takes me to smoke a cigarette. Whose fault is it? Mine because I didn't walk him. The 100lb puppy is not a house dog. I'm reasonably sure unless you live in a castle, no 100lb puppy is a house dog.

Speaking of dogs, a lot of the people I see rehoming them really make me want to scream.  "Free to good home, German Sheppard.  Got too big for the kids."  How big did you think a German Sheppard is?  Ugh, people. 

July 24, 2014

Did someone drag me behind a horse and i just forgot?

Ughaghugh.  I'm so tired.  I'm watching season 4 of RuPaul's Drag Race, and Moose hunting flies.  I've drank a pot of coffee, had a hour and a half nap, and still feel like I'm going to die.  I just can't survive on 4 hours of sleep anymore.  I'm 29 and far too old for this shit. 

In other news, we went camping!  Whooo!  We've got an ADHD 7yr old, ADD 5 yr old, and a 4 yr old.  Oh god what did i do? So technically this isn't a real post yet.  This is a post to let you know I didn't forget about you, I just ran away from civilization.  I almost didn't come back, but I ran out of underpants.

July 13, 2014

Am i?

Am I still the same person I was back in the day?  You wouldn't recognise me, I wear heels and much less eyeliner.  I have responsibilities now, instead of a knife collection.  I look at situations now and think if this was 15 years ago I would have just screamed obscenities at you until you left me alone.  Instead I have to be nice to you since our kids are in the same class.  Its also hard to look in the mirror sometimes.  My Grandfather says he looks in the mirror, but some old man is in there staring at him.  There's some chick in mine, she looks overweight and tired.  What happened to the bright eyes and high cheekbones?  And her hair?  It just lays there like an old rug now, what happened?  There was a time it flowed up and around, like an elegant bouncy drape to frame my face, now it hangs there, like the curtains in a haunted house.  Tattered, and in ruins.  My face, my body, what is this physical thing that people see?  Or worse, my clothes and makeup.  Do they see that as me? The baggy t-shirt and sweatpants, worn because regular clothes are so restrictive.  Especially with this skinny jean, skinnier shirt trend.  I look pregnant on a bad day.  Ugh.  But a new day dawns.  I have hope, and a plan for the future. 

July 9, 2014

Gypsy Cart

I woke up this morning surprised I wasn't in my gypsy cart.  I keep having this dream I live in a sheepherder's wagon in the woods.  Its so quiet and peaceful, I wish I was there now.  Its a million fricken degrees in here, even with 3 air conditioners.  I'm meeeelting, meeeeelting. 

In other news, I'm going to see a new doctor soon.  Wheeee.  I was referred to a psychologist when I met my last new doctor, a general practitioner.  Apparently its not normal or healthy to hide in your house and be so run down you can't breathe.  Huh.  Medication was suggested.  *Sigh* 

July 3, 2014

Its a fresh one

A fresh piece of hell that is.  I want to will myself into feeling better.  I will let you know if that ever pans out.
I've found my dream home, I'm going to build a tiny house on wheels.  Now all i have to do is come up with the money for it.  And figure out where to build it, and where I'm gonna park it.  Also i have to figure out how I'm going to build it with no building experience whatsoever.  I'm very blessed, my wonderful friend David has offered to help me and he just graduated college with a degree in building awesomeness, so I'm super excited!  Architectural Engineering is what he called it but whatever.  Tiny house!   My mom laughed at the idea of Moose, my 100+ lb. puppy in a tiny house.  According to my calculations however, less house = more yard.  More yard = more frolicking space for Mr. Moo.  All he does inside is lay under my feet anyway.  All i need is a job now. 

June 28, 2014

Tyler I Love You

I lost my bird.  He passed today, I found him on the bottom of his cage, unresponsive.  I've had Tyler Birden in my life for 12 years, but I'm not sure how old he was.  He wasn't very friendly, he hated people touching him, and only really loved his mirrors.  Snoop dogg too.  He wasn't my best friend but he liked me as much as he liked humans.  He was afraid of hands, so that impeded his relationships with most people.  I loved the way he stretched his beak when he whistled, and sat on my shoulder content for hours, then would go back to his cage. He's under the roses now.  I wish I knew how old he was.  I'm not sure why that bothers me now, but it does a bit.  Sweet bird.  I miss him.  I don't hear the random tapping sound of him headbutting his mirrors.  It took Bro-Face several years, but he finally taught my birds to do an incredibly annoying parrot squack.  Tyler would do it randomly, and it would scare the crap out of me. Soot (his surviving companion) only does it when he sees Bro-Face.
 

He was a particular bird, an odd bird, but a sweet pet.   Well, we enjoyed each other, anyway.  I hope he had a good life.  I did what I could to provide that for him.  He got birdie time, flying around the house.  I played his favorite songs for him, like this one.



I miss him.  I can see their cage from where I spend most of my time, the kitchen.  I am watching Soot right now run around in the cage, poor guy.  
What is he doing?

BAHHH!  Birdie eyeball of death!

Paparazzi!  Go away!

Seriously?  Go.  Away.

He was aloof, and not cuddly.  Like a Siamese cat, or a bear.  Did I mention how he loved Grape Nuts, and mirrors?  I keep listening for him.  All of these thoughts fly through my head at random intervals since I picked up his lifeless body from the bottom of his cage.  I saw him there, and I just reacted.  The second my hand wrapped around his beautiful plumage I knew that he was gone.  Never, in the entire time I knew him did he ever let anyone ever pick him up.  A couple of people tried, and they were very lucky he allowed them to keep their fingers. He was a generous boy.  
I love you Tyler Birden, I miss you, and my life will never be the same without you.  Green pastures and fair winds my love.