Pain

I feel like someone broke into my house and beat me.  I started a new rule today- any day i wake up throwing up then poop my pants, I'm going back to bed.  I'm not having it.  Am i alive?  I stiill feel pain, like I'm full of angry bunched up muscles.  Small angry pain tigers curled everywhere in my body, stretching and clawing their ways around me.  Chest tight, stabbing and constricting with each breath.  Combined with my regular health issues, unbearable.  I did it to myself.  Not apurpose, mind you.  (I love that word, a'purpose)  Smoking.  Ah yes, if I'd only avoided the damn cigarettes I would be in much better shape than I am currently.  The same could be said of soda and booze too I'm sure, but those smokes can be murder.  I'm actually smoking one right now.  Terrible, awfully nasty habit.  I'm trying to switch to a vape (e-cigarette) but its not the same.  Regular cigarettes are dirty.  Vapes are not, and i miss that dirtyness.  Its the last real vice i have.  I used to have many, and spent a fair amount of time "discovering myself".  By "discovering myself" I mean basically doing anything and everything i felt like in that moment.  Yes, now I'm paying for it, but i don't regret those decisions for a moment.  I had my son fairly young (22) but I am done with that life, and have been since before he was born.  But it calls to me sometimes.  The night breeze whispers through my hair, reminding me of adventures to be had, and fun to revel in.  That time is gone.  I have lessons to drive the kiddo to, along with teacher meetings and working a regular job.  No more do I follow my fancy, from party to party, man to man, friend to friend.  Life was so fluid, so... shining.  I miss that.  Now I have the comfort of routine.  Strange, the tradeoffs we make in life.  I have no regrets looking back, but some of my choices were interesting.

Focus

Finally I'm back.  Focus on the real world really brings me down.  I went back to work last month, I'm a waitress at a pancake house.  Good hours, easy work, and I pull down about $20/ hr.  Sweet.  Trying to get regulated on an actual schedule is a lot more difficult than I thought.  Its been over a year since I had to show up somewhere and do really anything not my-kid related and frankly the idea of it scared me.  What if I couldn't handle it?  What if I got super sick at work and couldn't go back?  What if I sent myself back to the hospital and did permanent damage?  What if?  What if?  It turned out to be fine.  I enjoy it, like my co-workers and really like my bosses.  It turns out I'm really good at this, and making more money than I have at any other job.  Consistent money, anyhoo.  I feel like I'm starting to come together in my head.  I had to get the job because we were behind on bills, but I'm glad I did.  Its been nice to be able to afford my son'd favorite restaurant, Taco Johns.  I can afford real luxuries, like dryer sheets.  Soon we will be caught up on the bills and be able to save up for an It-Was-Unforseen fund.  Hell we could blow $100 on a weekend trip to go soak my butt in my favorite place, hot springs. in