April 29, 2012


So I randomly found this restaurant in Zanzibar, called The Rock.  It looks like a shack in the middle of the Indian Ocean.  As it turns out, that is exactly what it is.  I want to go there.  I am currently searching flights to see how much i need to save up.  It looks like about $1,800.  I wonder if I would take anyone with me.  Well Oleander, of course if I can get her to leave her house.  She hates people, and has Social Anxiety.  I think sometimes thats why she keeps me around, I talk to anybody and everybody.  Well I have gotten a little pickier after some creepy stalking incidents, but still, I could make best friends with a rock.  I want to go somewhere with clear beautiful waters and no snow.  I love the snow, but where I live I get to see it and ice for about 10 months out of the year.  How does one travel internationally with no money?  Maybe I could find somewhere a little closer.  Ecuador sounds awesome too.  At least going to the Galapagoes Islands does.  I want to see the massive flowers and weird animals.  Like a marine iguana.  They swim in the ocean, and do their lizardy thing.  That is what I want, to sit on a rock and swim in the ocean and do my lizardy thing.  I find myself drowning in America.  I tried going to school, and for several reasons it didn't work out.  Therefore, it will be hard for me to make enough money to keep my son and I alive without government help, much less get to take him or myself anywhere.  I have been working for 11 years and at this point I have nothing to show for it.  I'm almost 30 and still working for minimum wage, possibly because I'm scared to go for anything better.  Terrified that if I try to better my life all I will do is fail.  I am so tired of failing.  I know that Abraham Lincoln lost 8 elections, failed businesses, and suffered numerous personal tradgedies before becoming one of the most memorable presidents in history.  I keep thinking, I should work harder.  I should do better.  I have to be better.  But better than what?  Better than myself, of course.  I failed at family, Louis' biological dad texts  me every once in a while to remember that.  I of course will never recieve child support, the state determined it was not worth their time.  Trying to keep your head above water at minimum wage is a losing proposition if you have a child.  I'm very blessed that my mom is willing to watch him for free, because working full time my paycheck is less than daycare for him.  I have cheap rent because I have roomates, but rent, plus food, plus gas for my car (no public transport is not available) I start out in the red. Perhaps I can find balance with a career, I can only hope.