January 31, 2012

Mornings and the Ugly Face of Addiction

I'm sitting here contemplating why I decided to kick my soda habit.  Sure, it's eating away at my teeth, is incredibly bad for me and is probably one of the major reasons I'm... soft and comfortable to cuddle with.  But I decided to quitish.  At least cut down from between a twelve pack of soda a day (almost) too much less corn syrup and sugar.  The lack of caffeine is making me feel crabby though.

As for the ugly face of real addiction, I am going to quit smoking cigarettes. I am 27, have been smoking since I was 14, and have on average spent roughly $24,000 just on cigarettes, probably more.  As someone on a "fixed" income (that is code for super-poor) that is a huge amount of money.  I have an electronic cigarette, which I have been using, and it works kind of.  I feel the nicotine which is good, but the weight is wrong and it doesn't have that delicious burning.  The burning, I know, is killing me.  I can feel it.  The problem is, a little death makes me feel alive.  I have to live another 13 years minimum for Louis, and preferably longer.  I want to see his wedding and such.

~So, I bought a new electronic cigarette, and am semi excited to try it.  I had one before, but the store I bought it from went out of business and I couldn't find refills. Le sigh.  Isn't that always the way?  Lame sauce.  It is charging in my computer as we chat now, and I am a bit apprehensive.  This will work!  It has to.  I tried quitting cold turkey once, it sucked and I lasted maybe one whole day.  Ugh!  Living in a non-smoking house has cut down a lot on my cigarettes and Louis' colds. Duh.  I just figured that only smoking next to a window made it ok, but I guess not.  I feel like an idiot.  Just one of those lovely moments in parenting when you not only feel like the biggest idiot of earth, but the WORST. PARENT. EVER.  Oleander (the best drag sister ever) says "The Bad Mom Squad is coming to take me away."