June 3, 2014

Tired

I'm tired. Tired of being admired.  Tired of love uninspired.  I'm so tired!


I even know why.  I haven't been taking care of myself.  I've been forgetting things, losing track of things, letting life slip by me as I scramble to catch up.  I've gone off my schedule, and stopped eating healthy.  Again.  I seriously need to stop doing this.  I decide to be healthy and that I'm tired of feeling bad.  Next thing I know its 10:30pm and I've eaten half a bag of chips and ramen for food all day.  I want to get up at 5am every day, but I find myself staying up every night until 1 am.  Oooops.  I have to have 9 hours of sleep a night and I haven't gotten it in weeks.  Could be the amount of soda I've been drinking.  The excessive smoking doesn't help either.  I know people my age that are in great shape with amazing careers.  Granted most of them don't have kids, but that doesn't mean that I'm not better than them.  Ha!  When I was 18 I had this idea in my head, that I can be fit, have beautiful clean children, a job I love, the perfect relationship and a clean home.  Oh, and I do the whole thing in heels.  Nice thought, right?  Now I know, children are not clean, nor am I having more than one.  Being fit takes more work than chips, which is obvious yet ruins my life just a bit.  You have to find things to love in a job.  There is no perfect relationship, just one that works enough.  OMG if I dated the perfect man I would probably murder him.  The bastard would make me look bad.

My son is gone for a week with family (my Madre and Bro-face+family) and this is my big chance to reset my world.  Also, I've gotten more quality time with the boyfriend, and that's neat.  Here's where I get started on getting shit done.  Tonight, I'm going to bed at 8pm, since I never get a damn thing done after then anyway.  I can get up at 5, and have a couple of hours to throw up and make coffee.  Walk the dog, then start my day.  I have to take time to do my yoga too.  I have to actually use a food diary and drink 8 glasses of water a day.  I need to juice.  I have to walk the dog once a day or he's an unreasonable turd.  Rah.  Now I am filling up my phone with alarms to get all of these things done, and I see my days laid out for me.  Now that is scary, knowing what I'm going to be doing every day.

 I remember a time when I would wake up and every day was a magical adventure.  I had no idea where I was going or what I was doing, but it was so much fun.  Now I have responsibilities, to myself and Mr. Monkeyface.  Also the boyfriend, to a degree.  And my family, though that has been an odd balance beam to toe down.  I need to connect with them more, and more of them.  I am very blessed to have been raised with the idea of family with no blood relation.  Most of my blood relatives and I don't talk, for one reason or another.  I do have a good Facebook relationship with my half sisters, they seem like cool people.  I of course have my sweet grandparents (3), the lovely-yet-deadly Madre, Bro-Face, Sis-In-Law I love so much Sarhot, Hazely-poo the Princessbutt niecey.  But most of the people I call family are not related to me at all.  I have brothers, sisters, homies for life.  I keep talking about moving, but short of me buying a compound or my own island, its not going to happen.  At least, I won't go far.  Maybe Laramie.  I like Laramie.  It's Wyoming's version of Portland.  Maybe someday.  For now, I own my own home, and need to get myself healthy.  Oh a rigid schedule.  I've never actually done this, and I'm pretty nervous.  I feel almost like I'm putting myself in boot camp.  I've gotten lazy with myself, and my life.  I was getting so much done, I got sick, and I never quite retrained for life.  I got lazy in my off season, time to fix it.  This pep talk really needs to get more motivation behind it.  I'm going to do this for myself, my family, and my life!  Yeah!  I'm going to get up early, and go to bed early, since collapsing into bed every night exhausted is not working out at. all.  Going to bed early!  Yeah!  Up early!  Yeah!   WHOOOOOOO!  Ok, I feel slightly better about this.  On an ending note, look what my yard looks like, before and after!
Dead and full of crap.  Yay!

Full of weeds, but life!  Yay Life!
The first steps have been taken on my invasion of the yard.  We have a brick path that goes *most* of the way across the yard, and a rosebush Tristyn picked out is next to the steps, so that it is the first thing I see when I pull up.  It's been a cold summer so far, the earth seems angry.