January 10, 2014

Bitey is a word because I said it is

I just realized something.  Here I lie in bed, waking up and within seconds I'm picking thru my brain trying to figure out what all needs to happen today.  Then i think about all of the things that needed done yesterday that I never finished.  Suddenly I realized that in order to get everything done that needs to happen and to catch up, also maybe do something I actually want to do ill have to turn into Wonder Woman and not sleep for at least a week.  Once upon a time I even had the ability to do that.  I was going to school, running keeping a clean house, and raising my son by myself.  Also I was watching my niece full time after the piece of crap that birthed her ran off.  Maybe because I was single and in good health?  I have neither of those going for me now.  I can't even sell my plasma.  I sometimes feel that don't really even contribute to my own home.  Its a good day when I can both do the dishes and clean off the kitchen table.  Then I have time to think about how I haven't folded laundry in 2 weeks and what am I going to feed these people?  How can I devote myself to writing and crochet when my house is a fricken mess and I can't walk thru my bathroom without wondering if I'm walking thru a laundry basket.  I found my kitchen table yesterday, roasted a turkey, and made a full family dinner out of it.  I was up at 5am this morning, wishing I was dead.  I guess hefting a dutch oven with a 15 lb turkey in and out of the oven a couple of times really did me in.  Now I have to worry about money.  My ex has disappeared off the map again, and there goes any hope I had of ever getting child support for my son. This clip shows what I would like to do about it, or at least have fantasized about once or twice.  Maybe.

The cops that have been bothering me since he went underground arrested and immediately released him.  I was assured that if the authorities in either Wyoming or Colorado found him he would be arrested and have a court date for the more than $27,000 he owes, but they arrested him for a misdemeanor and released him almost instantly.  I was also promised by the detective I spoke with that they would notify me if they found him, and also if he were released.  I found out from the local paper.  In fact, the only reason that the Child Support Enforcement office knew he had been arrested was I called them.  When they called the jail four days later, he wasn't there anymore.  Shocker.  Those morons never went after him for support until after he moved to Colorado two years ago.  At this rate, he'll be dead before they find him.  Ugh.

Onward and upward!  I can't dwell on this stuff anymore.  Not only is it stressing me out with no result, but I find myself becoming angry and bitey to the people around me.  I have to focus on what I can do, and work from there.  Its so frustrating to live with a disease that shuts me down randomly and with any intense work.  Sometimes even writing can exhaust me.  I can't stand it.  It drives me insane.  But I have to keep alive and keep moving, like a shark.  I need to make a list, of things I can do and things I want to be able to do.  10 years ago that list was things like blowing glass art pieces and learning to use the turntables.  Now it's making a pastry shell and folding laundry without getting tired.  I'm so scared of leaving my house and getting dizzy and tired that it has really cut me off from a lot of things.  I can't cut myself off, I know that.  It isn't healthy, blahblahblah.  But getting out of my comfort zone, possibly wearing real pants?  Terrifying.  Especially if I'm stuck somewhere that I can't sit down or easily pass out. Better days are coming.  I just have to be positive.  Now to end with a song...   

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