August 19, 2012

Focus foulcus

Must focus on positive.  Had an interesting week, ended not so great on the job front.  Boss is mad, not sure where I went wrong.  I cannot afford to dwell like I usually do. I tend to wrap myself in confusion and frustration until I'm squeezed so tight all I can do is burst.  The always present questions, Where Did I Go Wrong? and How Can I Foul Up Something I'm Trying So Hard At? make my head explode in a rainbow of rage and self-loathing.  These are learned behaviors, I know because I taught them to myself.  I have trouble remembering that life is a self-fulfilling prophesy.  I know I will succeed and I do.  I must remember to make an affirmation.  They are a cheesy motivational technique I learned from a company I did direct sales with.  You state that you are the greatest that has ever lived, you are beautiful, and you are the best (insert something you aren't great at here, like dealing with irate customers) and you are (insert desired promotion/dream job here).  Repeat into the mirror often.  Also throw some goals in there, like I'm a billionaire and own a huge yacht, or I own Canada.  Be unreasonable in the awesomeness of what you want, because anything can be done by anyone, it just takes focus.  And, luck doesn't hurt. 

I need a goal board.  Can you tell I feel I'm floundering?  Is anybody out there?  Ground control to Major Thom.  My baby, sweet sweet angel Tristyn is going to kindergarten in like 2 days.  I am super freaking out.  I can be a bit of a control freak. 
I own anxiety like its my favorite coat.  Shhhh, no one knows. 
My sweet angel is a 5 yr old climbing my walls and sqealing like a pig. 
My baby, how did you get so big? 
Where did the days go when I held you all day?  We cuddled for weeks, you and I.
 You were 4 months old the first time I left your side. 
Your uncle took me on a drive,
and I looked at the sky.  I had wrapped myself so fully in you, I forgot that you were not the entire universe.  I clung to you like a drowning man clings to a life raft in that basement. 
Just you and I.
Now theres you and I, and an overgrown elf,
strange to see another in your heart so fully,
when you never seemed to recognise your own,
this own, that own, he's mine, he's dead,
now another fills your head,
with love and kisses and wrestling matches,
help with homework, food and showers, bed
life beyond what had been said,
a fateful night who could have guessed,
so many strange worlds, so many strange choices,
to have ended up in a world with love and hope,
I love you little boy, youre the best Ive ever done.